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This paper needs a revision to make the current content more consise/cut words (mostly from the first page) so additional information can be added (it still needs to be less than 500 words). The two things being added is the recognition of Lily’s efforts via a letter of appreciation from the mother of the child Lily helped and weave in the significance of her being a woman of color from the angle of overcoming challenges. These two items need to be added, but you will need to edit for conciseness so the completed essay doesn’t go over 500 words. Also, please do not make up any new details. No fabrication. Use the content written to create a piece that flows, tells a story, and has a wow effect. Please read the instructions below from my client’s mother before beginning.
From the mother: “The essay needs to tell a story and be interesting to read. We definitely need to somehow grab the reader’s attention, make it a story, giving an example of something that happened to her in her life. Like using the example of helping this girl ski, and how afterward her mother sent a letter to the ski school and recognized Lily, and then weaving it all together, with all the other things listed. And/or a specific example of a situation during being a summer camp counselor with one of these more challenging children, a story, and then building on all of that and weaving it and putting it all together. She also definitely needs to bring in her being a woman of color for the other schools. As you know, this is such a hot topic this year, and I think will give her a better chance at the more competitive schools. Spruce it up, make it more of a story, interesting, grabbing the reader’s attention, etc etc, and adding in being a woman of color.”